I realized that I hadn't explained to all of my friends what has changed recently. I moved to Long Beach to live with my Aunt, instead of living in Victorville. I made a really dangerous and dumb choice that made me wise up that something needed to change and it seemed to be the fact that I was in Victorville. Nothing ever changed, and that was what was making me so miserable. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere after my mom died. Nothing made sense any more and nothing felt right. So, I tried to make a very bad choice to change that. I didn't realize how much I was risking until it was almost too late. For a few days, I was only upset that I was still here. Nothing else mattered to me, except for the fact that I wasn't with my mom. I was really scared after I realized that what I tried to was so selfish, and I wised up and made some decisions to change my life. I know it was really abrupt, but that's how it had to be. I do miss all my friends back in Victorville, but I still have to think about what is going to get me healthy after all this time.

Things have really changed in my life as of December 2. I now live in Long Beach instead of Victorville. Very large change. I'm the oldest of three girls instead of the youngest and only girl. It is an odd feeling. I have seen my own dogs since the 21st of November, which is tearing me up. But I have my Aunt's dog to play with now, so it makes it a little easier. I am a lot more active here and eat a lot better than I used to. I exercise 4x a week and walk my two cousins to school 5x a week. I have eaten out maybe 6 times since I have been here. Which is a lot better than before. I have my own room attached to the garage and my own bathroom. I take a lot better care of myself here. Today, I went to the hair salon and cut my hair and put in highlights. First time I have had my hair professionally cut and definitely the first time I put in highlights. So now my hair is brown w/ blonde highlights. Now I'm looking into getting contacts, so no more glasses. I am going to change quite a bit while I'm here.

I am so confused right now. My guy friend and me went out on a "date" on Sunday and I found out that even though he mondo flirts with me, he is engaged. And he wasn't even the one to tell me. One of his friends we bumped into at the mall ratted him out. I really like him and I can tell that he at least sort of returns those feelings, but I refuse to have anything romantic to do with a guy that is engaged. But he told me that he was having problems with his fiance, but even then, I don't care. I won't get involved with him like he wants me to. But, it is so hard to refuse my feelings and not do anything about them. I'm so confused.

DSM-IV criteria
The DSM-IV gives these nine criteria; a diagnosis requires that the subject present with at least five of these. In I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me! Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as "emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."

Traits involving emotions:
Quite frequently people with BPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. They may feel ruled by them. One researcher (Marsha Linehan) said, "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.

2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.

Traits involving behavior:
3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once

4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior.

Traits involving identity
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values. People with BPD may not feel like they know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are, or what religion they should be. Instead, they may try to be what they think other people want them to be. Someone with BPD said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with."

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Someone with BPD said, "I remember describing the feeling of having a deep hole in my stomach. An emptiness that I didn't know how to fill. My therapist told me that was from almost a "lack of a life". The more things you get into your life, the more relationships you get involved in, all of that fills that hole. As a borderline, I had no life. There were times when I couldn't stay in the same room with other people. It almost felt like what I think a panic attack would feel like."

Traits involving relationships
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting (see below).

8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

* Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
* Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
* Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
* Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
* Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
* Heavy need for affection and reassurance
* Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

This means feeling "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did. This mostly happens in times of severe stress.

Miscellaneous attributes of people with BPD:

* People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.
* They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.
* They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.
* Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.
* Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect.

Signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder involves periods of elevated mood, or mania. Usually—but not always­—the disorder also involves periods of depression. In a typical case, a person with bipolar disorder cycles between these two extremes—experiencing recurrent episodes of both elevated and depressed mood, often with symptom-free stretches in between.

mood episodes

Source: NIMH

There are four types of mood episodes that can occur in bipolar disorder, each with a unique pattern of symptoms:

* Mania
* Hypomania
* Depression
* Mixed episode

Signs and symptoms of mania

In the manic phase of bipolar disorder, feelings of heightened energy, creativity, and euphoria are common. People experiencing a manic episode often talk a mile a minute, sleep very little, and are hyperactive. They may also feel like they’re all-powerful, invincible, or destined for greatness.

But while mania feels good at first, it has a tendency to spiral out of control. People often behave recklessly during a manic episode­—gambling away savings, engaging in inappropriate sexual activity, or making foolish business investments, for example. They may also become angry, irritable, and aggressive, picking fights, lashing out when others don’t go along with their plans, and blaming anyone who criticizes their behavior.

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:

* Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
* Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
* Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
* Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
* Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
* Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
* Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
* Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
* Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Signs and symptoms of hypomania

Hypomania is a less severe form of mania. People in a hypomanic state feel euphoric, energetic, and productive, but their symptoms are milder than those of mania and much less disruptive. Unlike manics, people with hypomania never suffer from delusions and hallucinations. They are able to carry on with their day-to-day lives. To others, it may seem as if the hypomanic individual is merely in an unusually good mood. But unfortunately, hypomania often escalates to full-blown mania or is followed by a major depressive episode.
Signs and symptoms of bipolar depression

The depressive phase of bipolar disorder is very similar to that of major depression. However, there are some notable differences. When compared to major depression, bipolar depression is more likely to include symptoms of low energy. People with bipolar depression tend to move and speak slowly and sleep a lot. They are also more likely to have psychotic depression, a condition in which they’ve lost contact with reality.

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:

* Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
* Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
* Fatigue or loss of energy
* Physical and mental sluggishness
* Appetite or weight changes
* Sleeping too much or too little
* Concentration and memory problems
* Feelings of self-loathing, shame, or guilt
* Thoughts of death or suicide

Signs and symptoms of a mixed episode

A mixed episode of bipolar disorder features symptoms of both mania and depression. Common signs of a mixed episode include agitation, irritability, insomnia, appetite changes, loss of contact with reality, and suicidal thoughts. This combination of high energy and low mood makes for a particularly high risk of suicide.
Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder in Children and Teens

Unlike many adults with bipolar disorder, whose episodes tend to be more clearly defined, children and young adolescents with the illness often experience very fast mood swings between depression and mania many times within a day. Children with mania are more likely to be irritable and prone to destructive tantrums than to be overly happy and elated. Mixed symptoms also are common in youths with bipolar disorder. Older adolescents who develop the illness may have more classic, adult-type episodes and symptoms.

Source: NIMH

Hebrews 5:14 But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

Acts 15:36-40 Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, "Let us go back and visit the brothers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing." Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord.

Genesis 45:1-20 Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, "Have everyone leave my presence!" So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh's household heard about it. Joseph said to his brothers, "I am Joseph! Is my father still living?" But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence. Then Joseph said to his brothers, "Come close to me." When they had done so, he said, "I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. "So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt. Now hurry back to my father and say to him, 'This is what your son Joseph says: God has made me lord of all Egypt. Come down to me; don't delay. You shall live in the region of Goshen and be near me—you, your children and grandchildren, your flocks and herds, and all you have. I will provide for you there, because five years of famine are still to come. Otherwise you and your household and all who belong to you will become destitute.' "You can see for yourselves, and so can my brother Benjamin, that it is really I who am speaking to you. Tell my father about all the honor accorded me in Egypt and about everything you have seen. And bring my father down here quickly." Then he threw his arms around his brother Benjamin and wept, and Benjamin embraced him, weeping. And he kissed all his brothers and wept over them. Afterward his brothers talked with him. When the news reached Pharaoh's palace that Joseph's brothers had come, Pharaoh and all his officials were pleased. Pharaoh said to Joseph, "Tell your brothers, 'Do this: Load your animals and return to the land of Canaan, and bring your father and your families back to me. I will give you the best of the land of Egypt and you can enjoy the fat of the land.' "You are also directed to tell them, 'Do this: Take some carts from Egypt for your children and your wives, and get your father and come. Never mind about your belongings, because the best of all Egypt will be yours.'

1 Samuel 25:33 May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands.

Esther 3:1-6 After these events, King Xerxes honored Haman son of Hammedatha, the Agagite, elevating him and giving him a seat of honor higher than that of all the other nobles. All the royal officials at the king's gate knelt down and paid honor to Haman, for the king had commanded this concerning him. But Mordecai would not kneel down or pay him honor. Then the royal officials at the king's gate asked Mordecai, "Why do you disobey the king's command?" Day after day they spoke to him but he refused to comply. Therefore they told Haman about it to see whether Mordecai's behavior would be tolerated, for he had told them he was a Jew. When Haman saw that Mordecai would not kneel down or pay him honor, he was enraged. Yet having learned who Mordecai's people were, he scorned the idea of killing only Mordecai. Instead Haman looked for a way to destroy all Mordecai's people, the Jews, throughout the whole kingdom of Xerxes.

I have been in a Psychiatric Hospital twice in the last two months. I know I have problems and I am getting treatment for them. It has taken a lot of maturity for me to realize that I have a mental disorder or possible mental disorders. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is basically another form of Bipolar Disorder. I am on medication and getting therapy for my problems. It took a lot of guts to get help but it has been the best decision in my entire lifetime.

I did something out of desperation and now I realize that my life isn't where it should be and a lot of things need to be changed. I felt like I was caring for everyone, and no one was caring for me. I felt alone and didn't want to live my life if no one wanted me around. I have been forced to deal with a lot of peoples problems and then they turn their back on me when I needed them the most. Everything was changing around me and I couldn't do anything to get the normalcy back. I just wanted to be able to vent to someone, and I couldn't. That led me to make a big decision. I tried to take my own life. I did that out of pure desperation and depression. I have had a lot of crap thrown at me, and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I got so overwhelmed that I wanted to just stop my life. I couldn't do it anymore, I didn't want to do it anymore. After I tried to take my life, I ended up in Canyon Ridge Hospital (psychiatric hospital) for a week and I believe that that was the best thing to happen for me. The other patients and the staff were very supporting. But, it showed me that my life is out of control and I need to get things back in order now, before it gets that bad again. I tried to tell several people that I was desperate and I wanted to end my pain, but they didn't take me seriously. I ended up in a horrible position. I let some many people destroy me. They backed me into a corner, and I just sat down and gave up. I gave up all hope for wanting to live. I am getting that hope back, little by little. But, I think there are some relationships in my life that are just toxic for me. Some of them will need to be ended, no matter how hard it is. I really want my life back in line, and some people in my life are just going to bring me right back down. I have found that some people in my life just bring me down, so they can feel better about themselves. Not even thinking about how much it could be hurting me. I want the hope back. I want my will to survive back. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I now know things will get better in time, but only if I am willing to fight for it. I am willing to fight for my life, because this is going to be the fight of my life.

I am the little white girl who looks innocent on the outside...not on the inside.

I am looking for more people to sign up for karate classes. My karate instructor hasn't got many students right now, and may have to shut down his studio here in town. I really want to get the information out for him. Karate has done a lot for me, and I know it could do a lot for anyone. My instructor works with children from age 3 on up. If you or anyone you know that lives in the Victor Valley area wants to sign up for karate, message me and I can get you the information. He has classes here in Victorville on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from 6-8 pm. His prices are $50-60 a month or $40 a month if more than two members of a family sign up together. Please message me, I want to help my instructor keep his studio open.

EDIT---My studio has been shut down. My sensei decided that he couldn't pay the rent this month for the studio, so he has shut it down without telling anyone. I feel bad for his future mother in law, Susan, because he just screwed her out of the $25,000 she invested in this building. The only reason I know this is because Susan came and talked to my neighbor and told her. He hasn't told anyone else. I found out some other personal things about sensei that have made me completely lose all respect for him. I'm so pissed that he just up and decided to shut it down. So, now I'm off the retreat and I have to start up somewhere else with someone else and a totally different teacher.

I am so excited. My sensei is taking all of his students, that are interested, to a weekend retreat in Big Bear on July 25th to the 27th. Master Shred (my karate teacher) told me that I could go as a counselor if he gets enough interest from his younger students. If I go as a counselor, I can go for free. I am going either way, so I'm really happy. He told us that he will be giving us all the information for our next belt tests. We will get to practice all of the things we need for the tests in a totally new environment. I think that will be totally awesome for me. I love being outdoors. If I get to go as a counselor, I will mostly be taking care of the young kids. He has students ranging from 3 yrs old on up. So probably 3-10 will be my age range if I get to go as a counselor. That will be a lot of fun, cause I love working with young kids. This will be the first year he has done this, so there might not be enough interest yet for me to go as a counselor. But, I'm still going no matter what.

Graduating at 16, two years earlier than I should have. Even after I had received a traumatic brain injury.

I am so scared and upset right now. I don't even know what to do with myself. Me and my family will be evicted from our house within the next weeks if that long. I'm petrified that I will come home one day with a Sheriff at the door, locking us out of the house. The park we live in isn't giving us a break at all, even though we just lost my mom 3 months ago. And my dad keeps making things worse and worse for us to the point that no one can help us now. He went to the mobile home park's attorney's office yesterday to try to talk to the attorney, and the guy wasn't there. So, someone at the attorney's office told my dad the dude's home address and my dad (being a total idiot), decided it would be smart to go to the guy's house to try to look for him there. Well, attorney found out and has filed a police report for trespassing and is filing a restraining order against my dad. So, now there is no chance of saving our house because the guy was willing to work with us to figure something out to do, until he found out that my dad went to his house. So, I'm going to start packing up anything really important and moving it to my neighbor's house because that is where I will stay when we get kicked out. But, I am so scared because my brothers and my dad may have no place to go when this happens. It isn't a matter of if we get kicked out, it is a matter of when. My neighbor is going to try to help us file an injunction to stop the eviction. Because, she says that they can't kick us out while I am still a minor. I hope we can do that as fast as possible if it as all possible. I don't want to leave here, so I hope there is some option left. I'm praying that there is some option. But, every time an option comes up, my dad (bleep) it up. I know this isn't good for my emotional state to worry this much about something, but I can't help being scared. I'm only 17 and facing my family being thrown out on the streets so soon after my mom died.

I am starting Karate on Monday night. It will be my first class. I signed up today while helping my neighbor clean the Karate studio. I'm really happy that I took this step.

I had my regular babysitting gig, technically last night, over at Moses House. It was amazing as usual. Almost ended up taking care of over a dozen kids by myself. But, two more ladies came to help me. Thankfully. There were mostly older kids, toddler age + and only four babies. Pretty good, less chance of a crying domino effect. But tonight was extra special because of one of the babies, Joseph. He is the sweetest baby around. He stuck to me like glue. If I left him or handed him off to someone else, he went ballistic and started crying. However annoying it may have been to have to carry him everywhere, the love he had for me made up for it 100 fold. It was so awesome feeling that unconditional love from someone like that felt totally amazing. It is always fun for me to take care of the babies there. They're always terrific kids. Now, I have been offered a paying gig on Thursday, so my dedication to Moses House has payed off. I don't care about the money, as long as I can work with them.

Still thinking about where I should go for college. I just want it to be far away. I know that I want to become a counseling psychologist and specialize in working with children. I know this will require a Doctorate degree in Psychology. Which will mean probably around ten years of schooling after I get my associates here at VVC. So in total...around 13 years of schooling. So I will probably be 30 or so when I finally have my doctorate. That's not that far from now. It's just scary to look that far ahead. But, I really want a good, comfortable life and not have to struggle like my family is doing now. I will be here in town for probably two and a half more years to complete my Associates Degree at VVC. Then go where ever I get accepted. I have fifteen different choices right now and only one is in California. No matter how hard I try, I can't find a good enough reason to stay here though. They are all in a variety of places. But they are all out of California. I want to leave all of these bad memories behind me, before they overwhelm me. I will start to thin the list down based on admission stats, tuition costs, and class load for a Psych major. I'm leading towards the Midwestern schools more than anything just based on location. But, they are all in locations where I would be most comfortable, so location doesn't really matter to me.

Here is my list as of right now:
California State University-San Bernardino
University of Dallas-Irving, TX
Texas Tech University-Lubbock, TX
Andrews University-Berrien Springs, MI
Michigan State University- East Lansing, MI
University of Northern Colorado-Greeley, CO
University of Colorado at Denver-Denver, CO
New Mexico State University-Las Cruces, NM
University of New Mexico-Albuquerque, NM
Kansas State University-Manhattan, KS
Emporia State University-Emporia, KS
Oklahoma State University-Stillwater, OK
University of Oklahoma Norman Campus-Norman, OK
The University of Tennessee-Knoxville, TN
Lipscomb University-Nashville, TN

I have been thinking about my college options. I was thinking for a while to stay in state to go to school. But, now I kinda feel like moving out of California and getting a new life. Starting over where no one knows me. California has some pretty good memories for me, but it has way more bad memories for me. This state has messed me up little by little, and it's taking over me the more I stay here. I will continue through VVC, and then figure out exactly what I need to transfer out. I want to become a counseling psychologist with a specialty in children. I have thought this through and if I stay in California, I will probably end up going to Cal State San Bernardino. If I do stay here, I could stay with my family and still be around my friends. Also, if I stayed here, I may end up being a counselor here in town. But, if I go out of state for school, everything will be totally new to me. No one will know what has happened to me, no one will even know my California side. But, I don't want to leave everything behind. There is quite a few good things that have happened to me here, but I keep letting the bad out way that. I really do think leaving California behind may be the best thing for me, at least for the time being. But, whatever I choose to do, I have a year and a half left to figure it out. I just have to start getting the money together now, in case I do decide to leave California. I just need to pray and get advice as to what I should do. God will lead me where He wants me to go. I can't fight fate, I would just like a heads up.

I am so heart broken. We have decided to put our oldest dog to sleep. I really feel crushed by this choice, but everyone has left the decision to me. Her name is Little Bit, and she is 16-17 yrs old. She was doing great for a long time, and I refused to give up on her as long as she still had the fight in her. But, just within the last two days, that spirit has disappeared. She can’t eat, has stopped drinking and now she can’t stand up by herself. I have had this dog for almost 4 years now and I love her to death. But, now I feel like I have prolonged her pain and I should have ended it a while ago. But, I kept holding out hope that she would be ok. I know now that she will get to be with my mom. I don’t know what to do. I feel so crushed, and I am worried that I am going to do this and then end up regretting it.

I would take him or her to the hospital and wait until they know the parents aren't looking for the baby, and then offer to take him or her into my care. Either Lucas  Ryan for a boy or Callista Marie for a girl.

Mostly, everybody calls me Lizzy. But I do have a totally hated nickname...Lizard...that was given to me by my best friend in the 1st grade. It was after she caught a lizard and fed it to her fish. So my nickname became Lizard and hers became Tabby-cat.